A lone journey to neverland

A knock to the sane world

2009-10-28T19:31:00.000+07:00

Revisiting my pages of less-traveled kind of life,
I realize that now that I have my other halves in my journey,
it is no longer a lone one;
It is only non-existent to my other half of the ever-non-existent world

*I am trying so hard to keep this insanity within me when sanity might be the only way for the time being. But then it’s just too sane to be true*

The Living of the Dead (new series)

2008-11-27T12:37:00.005+07:00

...then i saw your face,
alite with miserable hope.

how would i dare colour that
with the darkest soul within me,
even as enlightening as it is?

the nite may have to surrender
to the eve of the coming dawn then,
however unwanting

*how and when i will have to surrender to the said joy of the living, i simply refuse to know. the darkness is my own joy*

2008-08-14T00:08:00.002+07:00

aku akan bertahan dalam rasa kehilangan
melukis wajahmu, menulis ceritamu
memainkan dirimu
kubikin dunia unik dalam diri
sebuah kenyataan lain tentang kau dan aku
sebuah keutuhan kita

*because i'm not sure i felt that way*
**a post from the past**

2008-08-02T16:21:00.002+07:00

i lost you
in the august rush
leaving behind what remains
of the serenity of july

*how i wish that you would give it a try and feel the serenade. i know i've lost you*

Song of the night to the dawn: a journey revisited

2008-07-27T11:25:00.002+07:00

I open up my arms ready for the darkest night,
yet my embrace meets the trace of awaiting dew
I ask myself if ever
it will succumb to the glory of the sun

I love you,
but like the dew in the glorious morning,
it will fade as day unfolds and
prepares for yet another morning

But I do love you, I do

*for the rain man: thank you for making me revisit this journey, and for the music of the heart you sent out through the high wall*

The song of death (2)

2008-07-13T12:33:00.002+07:00

Pernah kau bilang padaku: Tahukah kau bahwa semua curahan hatimu bagaikan sebuah buku dengan sampul hitam belaka, dengan hanya putih tali gantungan menjadi gambarnya?

Tak pernah kubilang bahwa sejak lama kuikuti Yukio Mishima dengan semua pikiran gelapnya tentang sebuah negara yang maha adijaya, atau Sylvia Plath yang tak pernah merasa damai dengan hubungan cinta dan keberadaan dirinya, atau mungkin ”sekedar” seorang Wongso yang resah ketika anak semata wayangnya dihamili bosnya.

Tak pernah kubilang bahwa kematian adalah seperti teras depan rumah kita, yang kita rancang begitu sempurna untuk membuat orang mau masuk ke dalam naungan kita; ia tak ubahnya cahaya di ujung lorong gelap, yang membuat para pengembara bersuka-cita akan sebuah perjalanan baru yang bisa dilewatinya; atau bunga-bunga dan kain beraneka warna dalam upacara pembakaran raga di sebuah pulau yang dianggap tempat para dewata yang justru tak sempat membuat jiwa merasa merana ditinggalkan yang tercinta?

Bahkan kalau kau ingin agar sampul itu tetap demikian adanya, mungkin kau tak pernah tahu bahwa itulah gambaran lain jiwaku yang sesungguhnya, yang kutahu kau tak pernah ingin coba bertanya-tanya: bahwa di dunia ini hanya ada hitam dan putih belaka.

*remembering Kimitake Hiraoka and his seppuku and jisei, and for all his dark and troubling but inspiring works until the end of his meticolously planned death.*
**inspired by a short story in today’s Kompas daily**

The prodigal daughter (2)

2008-07-12T15:19:00.002+07:00

Dua minggu ini ia sibuk sekali; ia sibuk menerima tamu dan bersama orang lain. Buku yang seharusnya sudah ia selesaikan dan berikan pada editor sebulan lalu tetap saja baru 40%. Baru 40%, eh sudah 40% bang; I will let you know when it reaches 60% and then you can give your ideas. Begitu ia selalu berkelit dua minggu terakhir ini pada editor yang harus mengedit tulisannya itu. Seorang lelaki dan teman yang baik, aneh tapi baik. Tapi, bukankah ia dikelilingi orang-orang aneh yang baik? Ia bersukur ia tidak dikelilingi orang-orang yang aneh dan tidak baik. Ya ada satu dua, tapi ia selalu berhasil menghindar dari orang-orang semacam itu. Paling tidak itu keyakinannya.

Dear, kamu free gak sore ini? Ngopi yuk denganku? Itulah awal kesibukannya dua minggu ini. Telepon dari satu teman yang sedang bermasalah dengan suami, dan anak-anaknya. Masalah dengan suami karena suami yang abusive secara mental, masalah dengan anak-anak yang tidak mau tahu ibunya bekerja keras untuk menghidupi mereka, termasuk bapak mereka.

Sure, I will be all ears. Five o’clock, the usual? Dan sore itu ia luangkan dengan memandang busa-busa dari mulut temannya yang bercerita tentang huru-hara rumah tangganya. Busa di kopinya sudah lama mengendap dan dingin ketika ia sesap rasanya. Pahit, mungkin sepahit kisah hidup temannya itu. Sore itu berakhir dengan malam yang terasa mistis baginya. Thanks ya dear, kamu selalu mau mendengarku. Eh, sudah sampai mana bukumu? Tentu aku mengganggu deadline-mu ya? Itu ia jawab dengan senyum-senyum tipis untuk melegakan seorang teman. No problem, as I said, i would be all ears. Now can’t you see that my ears already shrunk from your stories? Dan si teman memukul bahunya.

Kemudian silih berganti undangan minum kopi, makan siang, makan malam mampir. Dari seorang mantan pacar yang sedang berdinas di kotanya. Aku ingin kamu temani menghirup udara malam Jogja menjelang pagi, seperti dulu kita lakukan berdua. Bertemulah ia dengan sang mantan pacar, lengkap dengan rombongan teman laki-lakinya. Mereka menikmati kehadiran dia, berterima kasih untuk referensi makan malam yang eksotis yang diakhiri dengan lesehan di sebuah angkringan yang jorok dan obrolan tak henti-hentinya tentang segala hal serta kepulan tebal asap rokok yang harus susah payah dihalaunya. Seperempat pagi sudah mulai ketika mereka mengantarnya pulang dan mereka kembali ke hotel tempat mereka menginap. Ia masih berkutat mencoba membuka pintu rumahnya dengan kunci yang agak karatan ketika SMSnya masuk. Mereka menyukaimu. Mereka bilang kamu asik. Gombalnya lagi, mereka tanya kenapa kita dulu tidak kawin saja. Kenapa ya? Tersenyum kecut ia membaca SMS itu, sempat tergelitik untuk menjawab kamu masih sepertu dulu saja, perayu tingkat SMS dan YM. Rasanya sudah penuh sesak HPnya dengan pesan-pesan model itu. Mungkin kelak ia bisa menerbitkannya sebagai sebuah epistolari atau apa.

Dua hari kemudian mertua seorang sahabatnya datang. Seorang nenek yang berusia di atas 70 tahun yang masih lincah, yang bersemangat tinggi menaiki kereta api dari Jakarta ke Jogja, namun toh memintanya untuk menemani ke Keraton dan Prambanan. Ia tersenyum sendiri, itu adalah dua tempat yang tidak pernah ia kunjungi kalau tidak sedang mengantar seseorang. Selama perjalanan di siang yang terik itu tak henti-hentinya si nenek berceloteh, dan ia bersukur hari itu ia punya banyak energi untuk menanggapinya dengan tulus. Betapa nenek itu sangat heran mendapatinya berbahasa Jawa halus dengan abdi dalem Keraton itu. Kamu ini lahir tahun berapa, kok masih bisa berbahasa Jawa halus? Mungkin si nenek mengira ia golongan generasi muda yang tak perduli lagi bahasa dan tata krama. Mungkin si nenek mengira ia seusia menantunya, yang lebih muda 12 tahun darinya. Sepulang dari kunjungan itu, sang sahabat menelponnya. Hi, lu apakan mama? Mama begitu terkesan dan bilang lu bisa menjadi menantu yang baik, tentu karena mungkin guwa bukan menantu yang cukup baik untuknya haha... Mama bahkan minta ijin minta nomor lo agar diberikan ke keponakan suami yang jomblo, supaya kalian bisa bertemu hahaha...

Dan dua minggu mengalir dengan tak terasa. Seorang teman lama (yang sempat sekejap dipacarinya) datang ke Jogja bersama dengan penulis perempuan Indonesia yang dikaguminya. Ia ajak mereka mencecap mi Jawa di sebuah desa 15 km jauhnya, yang berakhir dengan obrolan di kamar hotel hingga pagi berdua saja, dan dengan sang penulis perempuan itu ketika makan pagi. Bicara tentang rumah dan kesehatan. Selamat dengan rumahnya, kata si penulis. Ia menggerutu sendiri ketika sadar bahwa mereka justru sama sekali tidak membicarakan buku baru penulis itu, apalagi meminta bukunya. Pikirannya terlalu sibuk mencerna apa yang terjadi malam hingga pagi tadi bersama sang teman lama. Di taksi sempat diketikkannya kata-kata itu. Thanks for the night and the journey with the dew into the morning; you know that you're always be in my blood, in my vein. I have forgotten your love, but your shadow seems to cling in every window. Tersenyum-senyum ia menyadari bahwa dirinya ternyata juga tak lebih dari seorang perayu tingkat SMS yang tak tahu malu, mengutip kata-kata Rumi dan Neruda untuk pesan yang mungkin langsung dihapus dari HP penerima setelah dibaca.

Kembali ke rumahnya yang sepi, ia buka sederet pesan yang sejak kemarin tak dibacanya. Ia dapati selarik kata dari seorang kawan penulis. Aku tak tahu lagi diriku, aku merasa kesunyian di tengah keramaian ini. Ringkas dibalasnya, barangkali kau sedang jatuh cinta?

Telepon berdering, suara tua dari seberang bertanya, atau lebih tepatnya menuduh. Kapan kau mengunjungi ibu? Apakah kau masih sibuk dengan bukumu? Datanglah.

Diliriknya laptop yang tak sempat dimatikannya ketika ia pergi. Sebuah tulisan terpampang ketika satu tombol ditekannya. Tanggal versi tulisan masih tertulis 2 minggu sebelumnya. Kemudian diambilnya pena merah, dicoretnya tanggal esok hari. Rumah Jompo Hana, jam 10-13.

* You’re not alone. No one can really understand this feeling inside, either. They only want to see the throng in us.*

Romansa masa lalu

2008-07-09T19:00:00.004+07:00

kala itu, ketika kau sentuh tanganku
ada getar kesukaan dan cinta
kutahu semuanya
ia menyatakan diri
seadanya

ya tepat 5 tahun yang lalu hari ini

kau juga mengingatnya

aku tak lebih ingat daripada engkau

aku tahu, kau masih seperti dulu. Apakah kau juga masih hidup dalam romansa-romansa masa lalumu?

tidak, sampai kau datang padaku

*because you did not know that i never live from the past. because i have not been alive. i start to live for tomorrow from my past only today. 5 years ago*
**i only write this for the memory of you, 5 years ago. till death already did us apart*

Agape non eros

2008-07-08T12:12:00.004+07:00

because you love me when the whole world
is on a conspiracy against my true self
through the profanity of a man

agape non eros

*i know, because my eros for you is totally agape*
** thank you for being there, as always, as profane as that**

Second chance

2008-07-06T11:46:00.003+07:00

i m glad that i found
that long-lost feeling of being myself
believing that being the second is the first of the third

after all, aren't we all entitled for that second chance?

*after some complicated and hard-to-make-sense justification, i've got only to say: thanks for this million times of second chance*

2008-05-30T13:24:00.000+07:00

sepotong kecil cinta darimu dulu
kulalap habis dalam gemilang bersamamu

kulupa tuk sisakan
sejumput rindu dalam sepiku

*those 3 months of living dangerously, awaiting for another 3 months of sweet regret, and 6 months of deja vu*

Sepotong aksaramu untuk pencerahanku

2008-05-04T20:00:00.003+07:00

Ingin kucuri sepotong dari rajutan aksaramu,
tapi aaaahhh tak secuilpun aku merasa aku adalah dirimu.

Mungkin saatnya kurajut aksaraku sendiri,
dan pencerahanku sendiri

atau

maukah kau bagi sepotong pencerahanmu untukku?

*dalam keirian yang penuh terhadap segala ungkapan hidup yang kau ungkapkan dengan sederhana namun menggugah segala rasa*

Dua tubuh renta dalam hidupku

2008-04-20T11:05:00.003+07:00

Aku dekap tubuh rentamu
'tuk kembalikan kehangatan bagi rangka tipismu
serta senyum di keriput wajahmu

sekilas basah dua bola mataku
sepotong bahagia sejuk mengisi dadaku
saat kulepas dirimu dengan lambaian mesraku

belum sedetik kau lenyap
kuingat seonggok tubuh renta lain yang tak lagi kudekap
dan hidupku kembali terasa senyap

*is it that difficult to love you? sometimes i feel that it has been difficult for you to love me, too. life has consumed you, the way it does to me*

2008-03-23T18:07:00.009+07:00

God, give us grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr Originally part of a sermon in 1943 and later used by Alcoholics Anonymous, quoted by June Bingham Courage to Change Scribner’s 61

*God give me the strength to accept the things that I know I can change but I wish not to change. Yes, I may be talking about two different things, two different philosophies. But things may not always be what they seem*

Painting: Setyo Dharmojo

The not tightly shut pandora box

2008-03-23T13:25:00.000+07:00

i open your pandora box, once
and love came out of it
so did restlessness, confusion, jealousy

but i felt i was alive

Now i close it, maybe forever

Maybe i won't feel love
coming out of it
nor restlessness or confusion or jealousy

Yet i know
my pandora box is not tightly shut
and my feelings for you still roams

and yet i don't feel i am alive

and i wish i could shut that box forever

Jogja, 26 January 2008 - just a few days after the celebration of the estranged souls

*just unmeaningful ramblings as i was watching the rain today. as if it has something to do with the rain yesterday. except that i felt cold inside, just like yesterday*

2008-03-22T12:22:00.003+07:00

I want to love you
like the rain that rays
on the grateful soil

And it will grow

Bajawa, 30 Dec 2006
the memory is as dark as the cloud over inerie now

*and i am not the one to say of your gratefulness nor ungratefulness. i forgive you, i forget you because nothing has really grown*

The prodigal daughter (1)

2008-03-22T11:30:00.005+07:00

Terminal 1 Cengkareng, 1645

Perasaaan itu kembali menyergapnya. Perasaan sesak, sendiri, dan ditinggalkan, seolah-olah peristiwa-peristiwa paling menyedihkan yang bisa dialami seorang anak manusia menari-nari di kelopak matanya. Ya, seolah-olah. Karena ia tidak yakin bahwa apa yang pernah dialaminya adalah hal yang paling menyedihkan yang bisa dialami seseorang. Karena ia tahu di luar sana, jauh lebih banyak kenestapaan dan kesedihan yang mungkin tidak akan pernah bisa ditanggungnya. Tapi perasaan itu tetap mengungkungnya, semua keriuhan penumpang yang kesal karena pesawat tertunda satu jam hanya gara-gara seorang awak pesawatnya terjebak macet (bayangkan, awak pesawat terjebak macet!) menuju bandara seperti tidak menyentuhnya. Ia seperti berada di sebuah ruangan yang begitu luas, dimana ia duduk sendiri, dan bertanya-tanya mengapa ia sendiri…

Ia masih ingat percakapan di ruang periksa dokter itu beberapa waktu lalu. Seorang dokter yang simpatik, yang sudah beberapa kali ia “kunjungi”. Dokter yang mengingatkannya pada seorang dokter yang lain yang selalu memenuhi hatinya sejak setahun terakhir ini. Tidak, dokter itu sebenarnya cerewet, sedikit judes, bahkan terkesan tidak mendengarkan keluhannya, malah membantah dan sedikit mengolok-olok.

“Dok, saya masih ada keluhan lain.”
“Shoot.”
“Saya, eh... ini berdasar apa yang sudah saya baca, dan ini diagnosa saya sebagai awam. Saya merasa saya terkena manik depresif.”
“Apa itu?”

Sejenak ia merasa mata dokter itu mengoloknya, tapi sudah terlanjur, ia tetap harus mengatakannya.
“Maksud saya… suasana hati saya yang sangat ekstrem sejak hampir setahun terakkhir ini. Up and down yang begitu cepat. Suatu saat saya begitu gembira, begitu excited ingin melakukan suatu hal, banyak hal bahkan, ingin mencapai sesuatu, ingin bepergian ke tempat yang tidak pernah dituju orang, tapi kemudian tiba-tiba saya menjadi begitu sedih tak karuan juntrungnya, ingin sendiri, ingin menarik diri dari semua orang, tidak ingin bertemu siapapun, ingin menyalahkan diri sendiri untuk semua kekurangan saya. Dan dalam keadaan seperti itu, saya bisa menangis tanpa sebab, tidak ingin bertemu siapapun, dan merasa tidak ingin hidup, tapi bukan berarti ingin mati. Tapi kemudian saya akan gembira lagi. Tapi saya lebih banyak merasa depresi, terkungkung dalam badan dan jiwa yang tidak saya sukai ini…”

Kembali ia merasa mata dokter itu menelanjanginya sebelum akhirnya mulutnya yang membentuk garis sinis itu membuka:

“Hmmm… Bagus kamu bisa menyadari keluhan-keluhan dan apa yang kamu rasakan. I tell you one thing, seorang manik depresif tidak akan bisa mengutarakan keluhan-keluhannya dengan gamblang seperti yang baru saja kau lakukan. Ia justru tidak akan menyadarinya dan mungkin tidak mau menyadarinya, hanya orang-orang sekitarnya yang bisa merasakannya dan mengutarakan dengan gamblang apa yang sedang terjadi dengan orang itu. Menurutku, kamu sedang mengalami suatu proses hidup yang wajar terjadi pada semua orang. Dan karena kamu bisa mengidentifikasi gejala-gejalanya, tinggal upayakan saja untuk mencari solusinya.”

Percakapan itu membuatnya kesal. Kesal karena sudah membayar mahal tapi tidak mendapatkan ‘simpati’ dari dokter yang dimatanya makin terlihat simpatik itu. Ya, ia ingin sekali dokter itu mengiakan, “Kamu memang gila,” atau paling tidak mengatakan, “Kamu…baik-baik saja? Menurutku kamu semakin aneh saja …”

Lamunannya buyar, petugas ruang tunggu sudah mengumumkan bahwa penumpang harus segera memasuki pesawat. Hatinya terasa semakin berat, ia tidak tahu apakah kembali ke kotanya akan memberi perbedaan.

Yogyakarta, 19.15

Kota ini masih seperti dulu, menyisakan kenangan-kenangan dalam lubuk hatinya yang sudah semakin sesak. Ia bagai si anak hilang dalam alkitab. Bedanya, dalam alkitab si anak hilang disambut dengan suka cita dan pesta, kali ini ia merasa kota masa kecilnya menyambutnya dengan dingin. Dingin AC taksi bandara yang mengantarkannya ke rumah masa kecilnya semakin membuat dirinya merasa sendirian. Sudah berapa kali ia merasakan ini, ketika dari satu kota lain ia harus kembali ke kota kecil ini, untuk kemudian pergi ke kota lain, menyambut kesendiriannya serta kumpulan rasa sesak yang entah kapan akan menjadi bom waktu?

*2 Juli 2005. Begitu lamakah?*
*Masih bersambung, entah kapan. Mungkin ketika sang prodigal daughter tak lagi merasa diri prodigal. Betapa anehnya kata itu sekarang bergaung, betapa sombongnya ia merasa.*

Another equation when i find myself in you

2008-03-18T09:41:00.007+07:00

the boredom passionately lingering on your face
the forever search that ends in too many confusing tunnels
the freedom of being connected
the feeling of being connected in detachment

suddenly it matters not anymore
what you are to me
nor what i am to you
I find myself in you

*in math, minus times minus is plus. could this be really true for us? or instead it will end up in this equation: R=H x V/C? Assuming that you're the hazard and i am the vulnerability. Without the C (what could it possibly be?), disastrous and risky, indeed. This idea i mean*

Another pandora box

2008-01-26T19:34:00.001+07:00

It's another box
i have, now regretting, chosen to open
with more regrets
for having to close it again

how many boxes do i have to go through again,
i will chose not to regret

*it's when you choose to shut down your own box, when i choose to open it. i was not sure how i felt, either. but still it hurt in the closing*

Another deja vu

2007-11-26T00:19:00.000+07:00

another deja vu tonite
i've forgotten your face
though you cling in every window

*if that's the case, deja vu it is*

2007-11-15T09:22:00.000+07:00

something about me that i fail to fully understand:
that people can't seem to understand
that i understand fully
who and what i am
and what i wanna be

*now i understand*

I dream of you with yet another ship

2007-10-05T21:39:00.000+07:00

where was i
when your ship wrecked
in a clear blue sky?

was i dreaming of you
attired in the black overall
of your liking?

even when they brought you to me
with all what's left of your sail
my eyes still roam for another you

with yet another ship

*sometimes i know it's just a pure deja vu, when bad karma is revisiting, knocking silently the door of my conscience. welcome*

2007-10-04T16:44:00.000+07:00

oh what sweetness
to stare at nothingness
to listen to the almost inaudible voice
and to grip
the feeling of being rootless

*i know it's there. ... the same night that whiten the same tree. i know its there*
** the same night that whiten the same tree (taken from Neruda, again, always)

Goodbye Pandora box

2007-09-17T10:16:00.000+07:00

I choose to have the Pandora box shut
forever
or else,
i will lose myself again
in this abundant but scarry know-it-all trap

*let's choose to live with it*

My life in black and white

2007-09-02T10:37:00.000+07:00

if my life is but a blank white sheet
let me be the one to paint it black*
for a mere drop of colour
will spoil the whole joy of solitude

*"there are only good and bad things and black and white things and good and evil things and no in-between anywhere" - John Steinbeck in "The Pearl"

I miss you like the living missing the dead (2)

2007-08-02T23:25:00.000+07:00

i do miss you
the feeling of being
lost
and be the prodigal daughter
of eternity

*death is none but the outstretching hand to the prodigal at the end of the journey. i do miss you*

I miss you like the living missing the dead

2007-08-02T23:10:00.000+07:00

to this day, to this night
you still pierce my heart
with the throbbing as such that
i have to yield

i have forgotten your face*
but i seem to see you in every window*
stretching your hand
to feel my heart

to ask if i am content to be with you
in your eternal embrace
and to feel
the thousand lives of the dead

*adapted from Neruda*
*i miss you like the living missing the dead*

2007-08-01T11:20:00.000+07:00

i carry with me
the fully-realised insanity and
the perfect imperfectness

*only because i am completely aware that i want to be a better person*

2007-07-31T12:08:00.000+07:00

you come and go
like the freezing wind in the heated summer
it's cool
but somehow
sometimes it cuts deep in the flesh

*i love you because i know no other way (quoted from Pablo Neruda)*

A walk to remember

2007-07-24T00:03:00.000+07:00

a walk to remember
where my heart melts
in the coldest snow

though i refuse to rejoice at its warmth

*the path may have been forsaken long before i know it*

The Living of the Dead

2007-07-23T23:51:00.000+07:00

i found you forsaken
by the mere chance of life
where all that sparks around you
may seem to stop beating

my soul came searching,
for you that i bound not to be
but as mere chance of life
i stopped dead
to find you along the living soul

for i thought that your eternal flame
has gone by the morning

*24 April 2007, through a lucid dream vividly colouring my night*

*the same dream, the same fear, the same joy*

Waiting for the night

2007-07-23T23:35:00.000+07:00

here i am with the darkest night
still glowing from the amber of the day
i ask not if you will come
and paint my night with pure solitude

but alas the night ends too soon
for you to brush the glow
i ask you not if you will regret
that i care not of yet another brisk morning

*for i only wait for the night*

William Penn on Death

2007-07-23T22:54:00.000+07:00

Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas;
they live in one another still. For the must need be present,
the love and live in that which is omnipresent.
In this divine glass they see face to face;
and their converse is free, as well as pure.
This is the comfort of friends, that though they may be said to die,
yet their friendship and society are, in the best sense,
ever present,
because immortal

from More Fruits of Solitude - Quoted in J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

*i miss your touch, to think that you used to be my only friend. an encounter with you is but a feast with a lover*

Cinta apa adanya

2007-07-18T20:36:00.000+07:00

kuberikan hatiku,
berikat pita harapan tujuh warna

kuhantarkan jiwaku,
berbungkus kotak masa depan bergelimang cahaya

sayang kau tak bisa terima,
terlalu indah pita dan kotaknya

kau tak sampai hati merusaknya,
ingin kau resapi apa yang kauingat seadanya

*love me for the feeling of my heart, not for my fears*

Cinta organik

2007-07-18T20:30:00.000+07:00

Kau bilang:

...biarkan lah rasa itu tumbuh secara alami, jangan di pupuk dg instant hormon and chemical materials. Dan rasakan nikmatnya cinta organik...

*what about market access for organic love? in this globalisation era?*

Love me

2007-07-18T11:17:00.000+07:00

by Walter Rinder (1933 - )

love me
because I try to touch life
within the framework of
uncertainty

...

love me
in the silence of my hurts
and the noise of
my confusions

...

love me
as I pursue my dreams
sometimes retarded by illusions

love me
as I grow to know myself
even during the times of
stagnation

love me
because I seek harmony
not man's discord

...

love me
because we are different
because we are the same

...

I will love you the same.

*sometimes i want you to love me just for me to be able to love myself*
**thanks to HP, to remind me of this**

I m still searching for you

2007-07-17T20:43:00.000+07:00

a little journey back
i saw you there
now that i am with you
i feel i m still searching for you

or am i searching for
my other half really

*the lone journey to insanity. i feel i am back*

Kabar cinta sore itu

2007-07-16T22:00:00.000+07:00

Aku duduk termangu sore itu
entah mengapa ketika kabar cinta kuterima
hatiku gundah gulana

Kadang kuingin sekedar gerhana
gelap menutup bulat hati yang meronta
seolah ingin keluar dari cahaya

Kadang kuingin sepotong kata
keluar dari mulutmu yang durjana
bahwa hatimu tak seindah yang kuduga

Ku sekedar ingin adrenalinku bekerja

*A misty Jogja one evening; it's not that i m in mourning, the joy is such that sometimes it feels like misery*

I feel like i have known you from my sweet past - is it?

2007-07-13T23:55:00.000+07:00

i feel like i have known you from my sweet past
and that the world just befalls like another migreh

*would i confuse you with my bleak memory, as the cocoon has yet to break out of the pandora box?*

My heart was never empty

2007-06-27T22:05:00.000+07:00

for if you feel that you've filled my heart
was it empty really
i feel that rather it was too full
that i have to empty it for your love

*for i want to love you with half of my heart only, the other half half to keep me still alive and loving*
**after an evening session with a new friend, why on earth the name does ring a bell, i thought i am through with you**

Looking for my Steinbeck's black and white kind of life - or rainbow?

2007-06-08T14:50:00.000+07:00

Here i am
and i m not sure where i am
is it the Steinbeck's black and white kind of life i am searching for?
or is it the rainbow?

am i just seeking my metaphor?

*Bali, in the encounter with migreh

**i know steinbeck will never have rainbow - not even as metaphor*

The hunchback catching on the last ray of the day

2007-06-02T08:59:00.000+07:00

As I see you hunching on the sidewalk
hidden by the still glistening ray of the day,
the street seems to disappear before me

and I see you in your ragged be
tears streaming down as if they wont subside
and still you choose not to hold my outstretched hand
as if fearing dawn will befall
before your life
feel the last glistening ray of the day

who am I to you, the angel of death?

*you cannot erase all miseries of the world, you say. But you can promise that dawn will promise a day break for those in misery*

I forget your pleading face

2007-03-29T22:10:00.000+07:00

Why was my heart so heavy,
seeing your crumpled body still in the wettest and coldest night
waiting for the light-hearted to grant you
with little of what they earn for the month?

And why then the red light changes so quickly,
leaving me warm and comfortable in my cab
forgetting that a face like you
ever pleads to me in the somber night?

*Sometimes I know that my heart can be as hard as steel*

Death is near - here and there

2007-03-28T21:20:00.000+07:00

Dim voices from the far away mosque,
sending no words of consolation.
Instead they grip the listener,
with the very words they wish not to hear
that death is near.

And death is here, near
when dawn has barely caught
the mosque’s morning greetings
And death is there, far away
even where no voices from the mosque
can reach it

*on the deaths of my uncle (a sudden one) and Ariadne’s Sawyer’s mother. Even when dawn seems to be prepared to greet the calmness of the beginning of the day, death could be so anticipated, where dusk seems to blanket you with the peaceful surrender of human to the embrace of the Almighty*

Pandora box (again)

2007-02-12T07:04:00.000+07:00

let the cocoon make a butterfly out of me
or the pandora box might not shut at all

i beg you

*could it be another box of life?*

Into each life some rain must fall

2007-02-11T15:10:00.000+07:00

Into each life some rain must fall,
days must be dark and sad and dreary
But after any rainy day,
the sky is clearer and our soul smile ahead
with rainbow left into each other heart,
whatever the morrow will be.
And the dark and dreary may wait
for yet another time for the rainbow to fade.

*The rain has long fallen into our lives, for how long? Do you recall?*

To be or not to be (recollection)*

2007-02-11T14:58:00.000+07:00

I beg on my knee
that this is the last dawn
I ever set my heart on thee

Thou art thine sweet memory
washed away through the night
to be or not to be

*Read in the World Poetry Stage, Co-Op Radio, Vancouver, Canada, 16 January 2007.
The true picture of myself now, maybe it is an annual cyclic, welcome aboard*

Not Nash-ian at all

2007-02-09T16:32:00.000+07:00

You said:
Actually, Nash is an optimistic, though he's a loner too, just like you:).

Compared to the two founders of game theory (i.e. Von Neumann and Morgenstern, one of them is Nash's supervisor, I forgot which one), Nash is optimistic. He believed and succeed to prove that cooperative repeated games, instead non-cooperative ones, among two or multiple players with different interests is possible.

The line: Repeated games! the second or even the fifteenth iteration may not give you the optimum solution yet...but who knows the sixteenth will....

*Is he? Ah... I wish all loners are pessimistic. It paints the dull page of life with color, however black or gloom*

Live to ride, ride to live

2007-02-08T20:00:00.000+07:00

Live to ride, ride to live. The finish is not the main issue. It’s keeping living the journey that matters most.

*Thanks pal. I bet it’s not a Nash-ian way of thinking at all. That’s just too optimistic*

I miss you like the earth longing for the sun

2007-02-01T15:08:00.000+07:00

I miss you like the earth longing for the sun
When the night hides its ray from its aching heart
But it believes morning will bring it back,
and the earth cannot
but rejoiceits radiant gleam

*I know I love you*

A long night of loneliness

2007-01-30T00:39:00.000+07:00

A long night of loneliness
where nothing really matters
but you on the other side of the mountain

the ring of fire suddenly flares
giving light to the darkness
but not to the lonely heart

cause you remain engulfed in the mist

*somehow morning is so far away*

Home

2007-01-30T00:37:00.000+07:00

i've been searching for so long
for the voice that has betrayed
so much happines and love

would it be home at last
to where misery is but a lasting joy?

*i cease not to wonder*

The no longer Steinbeck kind of black and white of my life (3)

2007-01-26T15:45:00.000+07:00

i search for your face
among the dark clouds and the angry day
you're just not there

where were you? where have you been?
i need my life again, that you have painted like
the steinback kind of black and white of life

*when insanity is my kind of sane life. how i wish to be living in it forever*

2007-01-10T19:30:00.000+07:00

dalam kabut dan langit redup
kau bawa separo hatiku
ke pulau di atas awan

masih bisakah kurenggut kembali
apa yang kau bawa
agar kuutuh menjadi diriku sendiri

*agar ku bisa lebih mencinta diri sendiri*

2007-01-10T19:27:00.000+07:00

ketika badai berlalu,
langit selalu lebih cerah
bahkan mungkin berukir pelangi

*after i close the pandora box, and they cease to be in it. congrats*

The pandora box

2007-01-09T15:42:00.000+07:00

i wish you had shared me your pandora box
where i can understand all your worries
and all the things that undo our faith and hope

but i have to open it for you
for your heart only gives room
to a box filled with rainbows and moonlight

*i wish i had never opened the pandora box*

I miss you like the earth longing for the sun

2007-01-01T19:06:00.000+07:00

I miss you like the earth longing for the sun
When the night hides its ray from its aching heart
But it believes morning will bring it back,
and the earth cannot but rejoice
its radiant gleam.

*I know I love you*

2006-12-31T14:48:00.000+07:00

coming back from the misty land
i thought i yearn for the sunlight

i was wrong
the mist has cast its spell on me

*welcome!*

Unverhofft kommt offt

2006-12-15T12:24:00.000+07:00

Unverhofft kommt offt...

*everything during the last few days, what are they? i almost come to the conclusion, they are not Unverhofft kommt offt at all...*

The no longer Steinbeck kind of black and white of my life (2)

2006-12-09T15:33:00.000+07:00

As i lay back alone,
reaching for the life that i thought
i can reach back
with you out of the picture
is it really that
now i get back the Steinbeck kind
of black and white of my life
i long for?

*what am i looking for? am i happy? am i sad? maybe steinback can tell me. too bad he's dead. though he's not dead in my memory*

In memoriam (2)

2006-12-04T16:31:00.000+07:00

bahkan ketika embun tak lagi menetes
di daun-daun mengiringi ragamu
aku tahu sinar mentari
tetap mengiringi jiwamu
membumbung ke langit tak berbatas

*in deep griefing memory of Andi Nurusman, who left us all on Sunday, 3 Dec 06. i regret that i dont know you better.*

The no longer Steinbeck kind of black and white of my life

2006-11-30T16:30:00.000+07:00

The black and white of my life
it's all blurred
no longer shows its distinguished 'color'
no longer the Steinbeck kind of black and white
leaving me with unspeakable mind of the confused

*if i choose Steinbeck, than maybe i will long be dead just like him. i miss my black and white life!*

The end of lone journey?

2006-11-30T16:20:00.000+07:00

do i feel like my lone journey will end?
when night is filled with stars
and the morning is cooled with the dew

i feel like the journey is just a bit merry
with your footprints all over behind me
but then i seem to see no one around me

and when the night filled with stars
and the morning cooled with the dew
should i feel that my lone journey will end

or is it just another shadowed trip
to where loneness
is but the happiest merry on earth ever be?

*i fear of this accompaniment, when loneness has been my best friend. i seek for the conscience in me, it replies none. it seems to enjoy no more of the loneness. does it?*

The More We Live - Let Go

2006-11-09T08:03:00.000+07:00

The More We Live - Let Go

You and I can change the world;
The more we live, the more we learn, the more we know.
From this moment on we share the world;
The more we give, the more we love, the more we grow.
The spirit of imagination can lead us through the dark;
The more we see, the more we try, the more we show.
The evidence of our confusion, life has left its mark;
The more we fear, the more we lie, the more we hide.

As we walk into tomorrow (Turning away from the path we know)
Holding the future with our hands (We carry the weight of the world
we go)
It's up to you and I (We hold the key; we hold the answer)

All our thoughts of doubt and fear (We leave it all by one)
The more we live, the more we learn, the more we know.
For each of us the road is clear and life has just begun;
The more we give, the more we love, the more we grow.
It's time to ease the thoughts we set for ourselves;
The more we fear, the more we lie, the more we hide.
All we need is just to believe in ourselves;
We face the truth, we see it clear, with no disguise.

Cast away our doubt and sorrow (Turning away from the past we know)
The Universe and all can be (Showing the fate of the world we know)
Together you and I, we hold the key to all the answers (Let go)

YES

*thanks deer, i believe in you*

2006-11-07T17:02:00.000+07:00

you make me want to be a better person
for myself, for others

*how long ago since i last felt that way? i've been alone too long. *

In memoriam

2006-11-07T10:23:00.000+07:00

kau pergi dalam sendiri
ketika ku belum sempat
memahami makna kesendirianmu

*in memoriam Omi Intan Naomi. Her death reminds me of my own*

People come to your life for a reason

2006-11-06T12:29:00.000+07:00

People come to your life for a reason

*just like you, maybe like a drop of rain from heaven to the dry land*

Layar terkembang

2006-11-06T01:13:00.000+07:00

kemana setelah layar terkembang?
angin sepoi-sepoi yang menghanyutkan
cukup kuatkah membawa kita
ke pulau pasir putih di seberang?

ataukah harus ada badai menerjang
agar kapal kita lebih cepat
membawa kita
ke pulau impian?

*cakap kita malam-malam menembus dunia, letih kita menjelajah sisi sisi hidup yang tak terjangkau kadang oleh nalar, diam kita menatap langit malam berbulan sabit, kadang aku tersipu malu karena matamu menembus lebih tajam dari sinar bulan. cukupkah?*

Nalar vs hati

2006-11-04T12:26:00.000+07:00

sobat, selarik kata darimu kadang berarti seluruh dunia untukku. kadang aku iri dengan kebijaksanaanmu, dengan ketenanganmu, dengan kenalaranmu menghadapi dunia yang cukup ruwet ini. kadang aku menyangsikan diriku, apakah benar itu yang kau bilang menghadapi dunia tidak selalu dengan nalar, tapi kadang mesti dengan hati? semua yang kau berikan untukku, meski hanya selarik, adalah nalar yang paling nalar. kadang aku juga bingung, kalau kau bilang aku sudah cukup nalar, mengapa hati ini sering bimbang dengan kenalaran itu? tak cukup aku bisa mengerti siapakah aku ini, manusia nalar setengah hati, atau manusia berhati yang kadang tak punya nalar?

kadang kurindukan kau disini, ingin aku mendapat lebih dari selarik kata darimu, agar hidupku lebih nalar, namun berhati.

*thanks for introducing me to a loving heart*

The song of death

2006-11-04T09:24:00.000+07:00

Let the smile on my face linger
even on the day of my death,
when life no longer offers the cup of love
you once passed to me.

Let the sweet joy
remains in my bodily world,
even when death speaks of me
like that of an angel.

And when it comes,
let me surrender
to the life that haunts me
as if death is near

Jogja, 4 Nov. 06, revisiting my gloomy side

*welcome, darling. u will know my dark side much better, if you want to*

I want to greet and love you like the morning dew to the sun

2006-10-17T16:32:00.000+07:00

I want to greet you like the morning dew to the sun,
though it disappears with the glorious ray,
its faith promises the beginning of another morning.

I want to love you like the morning dew to the sun,
though it sees not what it becomes during the sunny day,
its love pledges the hope of days of eternity

*I hope that it's not another deja vu. I just want to share my happiness with you, whatever your decision would be. And I am sorry, truly sorry. Life is so full of choices, but you can not have it all.*

2006-10-15T00:06:00.000+07:00

i feel i have known you from my sweet past,
and maybe for my sweet future?

Jogja, in a transition from the dry to rainy season
15 October 2006, 12:06 PM

*i am not expecting another deja vu. let's hope for a sail together where we might land on a island of friendship, or much better than that*

The Saddest Poem

2006-10-09T17:47:00.000+07:00

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.

Write, for instance: "The night is full of stars,and the stars,
blue, shiver in the distance."

The night wind whirls in the sky and sings.

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

On nights like this, I held her in my arms.
I kissed her so many times under the infinite sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her.
How could I not have loved her large, still eyes?

I can write the saddest poem of all tonight.
To think I don't have her. To feel that I've lost her.

To hear the immense night, more immense without her.
And the poem falls to the soul as dew to grass.

What does it matter that my love couldn't keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

The same night that whitens the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how much I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear.

Someone else's. She will be someone else's.
As she oncebelonged to my kisses.
Her voice, her light body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms,
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

(Pablo Neruda 1904-1973)

*we are the same no longer, just when the night is so full of stars, the sould is so full of love. it aint just enough*

My life

2006-10-09T17:42:00.000+07:00

My life,
it's like connecting dots
I wonder if I connect the right ones

*are you at the end of the dots?*

2006-10-06T20:12:00.000+07:00

masihkah ada deja vu
ketika semua kebenaran tak lagi ada?

*setahun sudah berlalu. dan tak akan lagi waktu berlalu*

We are now free

2006-10-02T15:32:00.000+07:00

we are now free
as guiltless as the doves
no joy no hope no happiness
no grief no misery no regret

just another day goes by

*your ego wins*

Are you with me?

2006-09-29T17:20:00.000+07:00

Looking back,
were you there?

looking forward,
will you be there?

now i am here,
are you with me?

*these strange unnecessary sacrifice of sall the women you love, and who love you... I give up*

The same night that whitens the same tree

2006-09-20T12:30:00.000+07:00

If Neruda ever lives again,
can he gropes my heart and sees
that in this jeer and cheer
i long for the darkest night?

the same night that whitens the same tree...

*sometimes i hope that i was born alone*

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

2006-08-19T17:28:00.000+07:00

Do you remember, that little magnetic thing i put on my fridge? "How can I miss you if you won't go away"?

Often I joke about that, because I was always damned sure that even when you go away I won't miss you, and that I even went as far as telling you to go away, just to prove to you (and myself) that we won't miss each other.

Sixteen godamn years, sixteen years of bitter sweet memories, sixteen years of you going here and there and sixteen years of my always going out of your life, and sixteen years of the serendipities that tie us together in very unexpected moments, and be there together as if the clock stops.

Sixteen years godamn years, now you go away... How can I not miss you?

*even for the grandest will of what people call the Almighty that you go away, how can i not miss you. Maybe now is the time to remove that little magnetic thing*

Air mata yang percuma

2006-07-28T22:52:00.000+07:00

ingatkah kau
tetes air mataku waktu itu,
ketika kau datang
dalam kemegahan rumahnya
yang ia persiapkan
untuk dirimu yang ditunggu-tunggunya?

kini kusesali air mata itu
menetes percuma di tanah pasir kering
karna kutahu kau berlindung di rumahnya
bukan untuk cinta yang telah diberikannya
namun untuk segala naungan yang
tak mungkin kau raih di luar sana

*how can i understand you? to be more specific, how can i understand this weird relationship, when i began to be jealous of him, who seized you from me? i mourn for the tears i shed*

After a beautiful bond of 16 years

2006-07-26T19:56:00.000+07:00

a great day
after a beautiful bond of 16 years
finally you make it
for yourself
and for me too

though tears were shed..

*congratulations, you are one of His flocks now. i mark this day as perhaps the happiest day ever in our relationship*

Nyanyi sunyi

2006-07-17T18:15:00.000+07:00

kurindukan kau hari-hari ini
ketika hiruk pikuk dunia mengepungku

kurindukan kau hari-hari ini
ketika keheningan pun tak lagi menghiburku

kurindukan kau hari-hari ini
sepi yang selalu merengkuhku

*i miss my freedom of being alone, rowing to the neverland on my own. oh, sweet past!*

2006-07-15T15:24:00.000+07:00

sepertinya sudah saatnya aku menyerah
kebisuanmu seakan menghukumku
lebih dari sekedar semua tipu dayamu

*devil's advocate"

2006-07-02T21:42:00.000+07:00

to my arms you surrender
nothing but your conscience

to his arms you surrender
nothing but your faith

if ever i have to surrender
should i blame him?

*will you ever surrender to your own conscience? if ever that be, i want to be the first to be on your side*

Kau seperti udara yang kuhela

2006-06-29T17:38:00.000+07:00

kau seperti udara yang kuhela
kau selalu ada
hingga ku sadar kau perlu kuhela
ketika kau tak ada

*taking for granted...*

Siapakah dia yang mengisi kepenuhan hatimu

2006-06-24T22:53:00.000+07:00

siapakah dia, yang mengisi kepenuhan hatimu

meski dengan segala benci dan murka
namanya tergores dengan darah dan air mata
nafas yang kauhela adalah udara baginya

siapakah dia yang mengisi kepenuhan hidupmu

meski dengan segala kata-kata penuh dusta
tak hendak kau hapuskan dari buku hidupmu
hidup yang kau lalui adalah hidupnya

siapakah dia yang mengisi kepenuhan hatimu
tak lagi ku hendak bertanya

*love just aint enough*

Masihkah aku mengenalmu?

2006-06-23T17:46:00.000+07:00

tercabik hatiku menyongsongmu
mataku menatap bumi tak lagi berseri
ketika ku merasa tak lagi mengenalmu

namun ketika pandangmu berlabuh
hatiku luluh meski tetap ku bertanya
masihkan aku mengenalmu

*semakin kau kembali, semakin kau jauh. mungkin kalau kau menjauh, hatimu akan terasa kembali. mungkin*

Stay away from me and I never cease loving you

2006-06-17T22:10:00.000+07:00

Stay away from me and I never cease loving you

*as other will never cease loving you, either*

Seluruh jiwaku sudah pergi bersamamu (pagi yang kelam)

2006-05-27T05:55:00.000+07:00

Tak tahu lagi kemana kan kucari jiwaku
ia bukan hanya pergi bersamamu
ia hilang ditelan pertiwi yang menganga

*a gloomy, miserable morning that took the lives of 5000 of my fellow citizens.*

Seluruh jiwaku sudah pergi bersamamu

2006-05-26T16:29:00.000+07:00

ketika kau mengucap dengan kelu lidahmu:
aku adalah rantai yang harus kauputus
karena aku akan membelit segala kehidupanmu

separo hatiku tak tahu apakah ingin pergi bersamamu
karena seluruh hatiku sudah bersamamu selama ini
ketika raga kita berserak ke empat penjuru angin

*You have every right to be. When she ceased to live with me (or I chose that she was not to live with me), part of me went with her and with you. Have I anything left? At least my shattered conscience. As I told you, I've got no moral standing...*

Kau tak lagi seperti yang dulu kukenal (2nd episode)

2006-05-18T21:36:00.000+07:00

episode berulang

tak ada lagi dua estrangees
hanya dua tubuh beku
dalam kehangatan ruang
yang semakin maya

masihkah kau mengenalku?
aku tidak (mengenalmu)

*don't even know what "estrangeee" is, but i know very well what is keeping me in distance from you*

Song of the night to the dawn

2006-05-09T22:28:00.000+07:00

I open up my arms ready for the darkest night,
yet my embrace meets the trace of awaiting dew.
I ask myself if ever
it will succumb to the glory of the sun

I love you,
but like the dew in the glorious morning,
it will fade as day unfolds and prepares
for yet another morning.

But I do love you, I do.

Bangkok, midnight, 9 May 06

*i have doubt, too*

Masihol do au tu ho

2006-05-07T19:33:00.000+07:00

masihol do au tu ho...

Phnom Penh, 7 May 2006

*in the heat of this pilgrimage*

Setahun lalu

2006-05-03T17:02:00.000+07:00

setahun lalu, mungkin aku tak kan tahu
hari ini aku masih mengingatmu,
dan mencoba mengetuk pintumu
meski sepi menyambutku

sore berkabut di Cengkareng, 3 Mei 2006

*mungkin kuketuk pintu yang salah. happy anniversary*

Duniaku jungkir balik karena ketenanganmu

2006-05-01T21:53:00.000+07:00

ketika ketenanganku
meriak dengan segala hiruk pikuk
ketenanganmu
dunia terasa lebih jungkir balik
karenanya

*kadang kuharap sebaliknya*

16 tahun sudah

2006-04-28T10:32:00.000+07:00

16 tahun sejak pertemuan kita
15 tahun sejak ciuman pertama
14 tahun sejak kita bersilang jalan
13 tahun sejak kau kepak sayapmu di balik temboknya
12 tahun sejak ia tiada
...
esok adalah hari baru

*ketika hari itu tiba, aku tahu jiwaku dan jiwamu sama sama berucap, sampai maut memisahkan kita*

True lies

2006-04-20T18:37:00.000+07:00

true lies
of the naked truth
remain only
in the heart
of the shattered

*if i only i knew*

i love you

2006-04-18T22:46:00.000+07:00

i love you

*i wish i knew which one is for me*

The point of no return

2006-04-07T21:19:00.000+07:00

i walk through this lone journey
with the light shed at the end of the tunnel
only to find out that
it is just a point of no return...

*I wept for the past long gone, for the beautiful but lone walk of my life*

Activist vs passivist

2006-04-07T11:05:00.000+07:00

Activist: Hi, how are you?

Passivist: I am ok.. And you?

Activist: I am not complaning.. Hey, nice picture, you look so Jogjanese.. the smile, the gesture.

Passivist: Hmm, what does that suppose to mean? Btw, are you married now? I suppose you are, elligible man don't stay single for long..

Activist: What do you think?

Passivist: ??????

*I think you are just acting exactly like a Jogjanese, while you are not, to say things behind the lines, behind the curtains, behind the shadow.. Watch out for the kris...*