The no longer Steinbeck kind of black and white of my life (2)

As i lay back alone,
reaching for the life that i thought
i can reach back
with you out of the picture
is it really that
now i get back the Steinbeck kind
of black and white of my life
i long for?

*what am i looking for? am i happy? am i sad? maybe steinback can tell me. too bad he's dead. though he's not dead in my memory*