Another day passess by with ABC

another day passess by
another leave of page
turning slowly
with blotches of abc
magicly brighten the dark
and unpenetrable journey

i have the abc for you to compose it for me

Close to death?

When did you feel that you were so close to death?
when you were trapped in a very miserable relationship?
when you were at a gunpoint?
when you lost your loved one(s)?
when you lost your beloved properties?
or when you thought you were not worth living anymore?

funnily
i surrendered my feeling
of being so close to death
of being so chokingly desperate
(or was it desperately choked?)
in an MRI tunnel...

not so breathtaking of an experience
nor a religious one
but it's good to laugh at that now

Aren't we?

Dark, gothic, solitaire,
masochist, alter egos...

aren't we all?
somehow i seem to see (only) myself

*BB: the almost brutal movie, with dark yet strong character of not in the least heroic hero*

To be or not to be

"...some people were born to be loner, some chose to be one. It's up to you to choose to be what you are, it's you to decide what you don't want to be..."

It's not something that you choose to be, or not to be. It's something that shapes you to be. You really remind me a lot of him, or is it you i was listening to?

My dream

i had a strange dream last night
blue and grey, red and green
splattered accross
white and black

and i woke up
to find myself still dreaming
this time only in white and black

was i dreaming
was it the real thing
i'd rather go back to my dream

My cup was filled

A cup of friendship
in a cafe of warm ambience
your mouth talked of your day
mine of my day

For once i felt
my cup was filled
and the place smelt of
the fargrance of
sweet surrender

for once i thought my feelings betrayed me
but i know your friendship means a lot to me
or maybe you will never know

*an evening with an eligible bachelor*

What is worse than...

What is worse
than the total agony
of being in love?

i never thought
it still clings to me

Water castle

Have you been to a water castle?
i've been IN one...
not the fun part though
i can't build my dreams in it

strange feeling of being trapped
in an unnecessary flood

Your touch is no longer desirable

The air is breathing
the warm touch of you
I am choked to the point
where the air is no longer
desirable,
nor is the touch

if you touch me,
you will do me irreparable harm...

In a clean well-lighted cafe

In a clean well-lighted café:

“Unverhoft komt oft..”
“What a nice coincidence!”
“Ternyata, ….”
“Lha kok, jebul, …”

the knowingness between us
and the lights on our face
sparkled against the window

past time rolling
like you’ll never know
when it will end

good to see you again
my long time (not-lost not-newly found) friend!

Because of you

...

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers
i ache from the perfumes of spring
I have forgotten your face
i no longer remember your hands
How did your lips feel on mine?

...

(Pablo Neruda)

because of you,
i no longer hope
to feel your lips on mine
to long for you
is my greatest hope

Someone out there is praying?

someone out there
beneath the shower of rain
crouching from the drizzle
bending from the cold
city lights passing by
blank stares out of the fancy windows
and he's gone out of sight
as swift
as the red light

someone out there
is praying?
for him?
i doubt it

i often doubt it
maybe i always doubt it
i know i doubt it

If only you knew

your kudos left the hollow
empty and unfilled

i cried for it

if only you knew....
apala masihol do au tu ho

Before sunrise, before sunset, before I die

The war-journalist : so, what's your plans now?
The lonely-poet: a good question. maybe that s a question for myself
The lonely-poet: what about yours?
The war-journalist : hehehe.well, been busy with research. I'm teaching part time in a state university here while doing research and other writings.
The lonely-poet: sounds exciting. actually i m thinking of giving up trying to change the world. i wanna rest and be a painter and writer (poem, short story)
The war-journalist : hahaha! that's a great path! it reminds me of the romantic movie, "before sunset" starring ethan hawke and julie delpy.
The lonely-poet: hmmm... before sunset, before sunrise, before i die
The war-journalist : before you die, you already change so much.

…

The war-journalist : you're the lonely poet?
The lonely-poet: yeah. always is and will be
The war-journalist : ohh. but i see that as romantic...
The war-journalist : that was really awful i didnt see you in your country last november
The lonely-poet: naw, its okay
The lonely-poet: a lonely poet will not regret not seeing anyone anytime anywhere
The war-journalist : awwwouch... guess, im not a poet.
The war-journalist : okay. that's great. you've got a lot of poems there...
their melancholic and nostalgic
The lonely-poet: i still have many in my email archive (i normally sent out poems to my friends)
The war-journalist : include me pls.
The lonely-poet: yeah, next time im in love, in despair or in searh of something, i ll send out poems again
The war-journalist : i look forward to it. your poems seem to show some anguish...
The lonely-poet: yeah u r right
The war-journalist : hmmmm, i wonder why...
The war-journalist : but the anguish seems to be not out of surrender but of wanting to break free...?
The war-journalist : of moving...
The war-journalist : of taking a flight...
The war-journalist : ???
The lonely-poet: hmmm.. they say that it's much better to be still and surrender rather than to break free and flee
The lonely-poet: because then you have a better chance of understanding everything, forgiving yourself, opening up yourself for the outer world... Only then you are free
The lonely-poet: but it's a very difficult thing to do
The war-journalist : i can imagine that... but the difficulty, actually, is secondary
The war-journalist : the bittersweet experience of understanding, forgiving and opening are the things that would count...
The war-journalist : I would also dare to say that taking flight does not mean fleeing...
The war-journalist : when you soar, you get to expand that outer world...
The war-journalist : you seem to be in deep anguish... maybe you've got to be in another place...
The war-journalist : or...err. am i talking to fast, loud, funny and silly?
The lonely-poet: nope, you're just turning from a war journalist into a shrink
The war-journalist : hehehe.expanding actually... journalist to something more
The lonely-poet: hey, do you have one minute for a confession?
The war-journalist : go, Sure...
The war-journalist : shoot
The lonely-poet: well, just want to tell you that i like you so much
The war-journalist : thanks.that's cool
The war-journalist : actually, i see you as one of my very best friends in this side of the world
The lonely-poet: that's something
The war-journalist : really. its comfortable talking with you..
The lonely-poet: thanks. now, i dont want to keep u online
The war-journalist : thanks. have to go. need to finished those tons of work load.
The lonely-poet: good luck, break a leg
The war-journalist : see you ...in the next on line ....
The lonely-poet: thanks for ...
The lonely-poet: expanding my world
The war-journalist : don't mention it. see you!
The lonely-poet: bye
The war-journalist has signed out. (6/12/2005 9:29 PM)

i want you to know i like you, before the sun sets, the sun rises, and before i die...

Feeling not sure what you're feeling

waking up
feeling you're not sure
what you're feeling

i don't know when it s over
i don't know when i can stop
feeling it
caring about it

maybe i just need to ignore it
can i?
i hurts more and more
everyday
maybe i just need a doctor
maybe that's it
as simple as that

I will stay the same

if i choose to shy away from you
the worldly life
the roller coaster of days

will everthing stay the same?

i don't know, one thing i know
i will always stay the same
lone as ever
that choice i choose to live

How can i miss you, if you won't go away?

Thank you

for having me
to be part of the challenge,
to be part of the opportunity,
and most of all
to be part of the friendship

i will not miss you all,
because you never go away
because i wil never go away
from you

i think i was wrong
i miss you already
h-i-v-o-s

The hunched back of Notre Dame?

seeing you there
with your hunched back
and the burden of your life
balanced around your shoulder

should it remind me of
the hunched back of Notre Dame?
i shuddered at the thinking

i shuddered at my own fear
of having to see you again
someday

where are they?
they who should be taking the burden from you?
they who should be letting your hunched back to rest?

The same simple face

The same simple face
the same smile
the same clean car

i just realise how lucky
i am
to meet him
to know him
to understand
that beneath his simple face
is a struggle
for life

kalau ngantuk parkir depan kantor saya aja pak!

Kupu kupu kertas

setiap waktu engkau tersenyum
sudut matamu memancarkan rasa
keresahan yang terbenam
kerinduan yang tertahan
duka dalam yang tersembunyi
jauh di lubuk hati
kata-katamu riuh mengalir bagai gerimis

seperti angin tak pernah diam
selalu beranjak setiap saat
menebarkan jala asmara
menaburkan aroma luka
benih kebencian kau tanam
baar ladang gersang
entah samapi kapan berhenti menipu diri

kupu-kupu kertas
yang terbang kian kemari
aneka rupa dan warna
dibias lampu temaram

membasuh debu yang lekat dalam jiwa
mencuci bersih dari segala kekotoran
aku menunggu hujan turunlah
aku mengharapkan badai datanglah
gemuruhnya akan
melumatkan semua kupu-kupu kertas

the quest to peace, diversity and God
is but a long journey
for those who want to walk the path...

What a small world

what a small world!
the world of the broken hearted

not anymore, in fact
i love monday!

Jerusalem

Jerusalem...

am i worth
to step on you
to wail beside your wall
to inhale the incense
for the Passover
and break the bread
of sustained life?

a sheer bliss in a permanent insanity

A point of no return

how often do you wonder,
that two seconds
can give you new meaning of your life?

a flash of glance, a blank stare
and you go on with your life

it's like the point of no return
it's like the start of a new life

a new phase of self-redemption
yet should it mean no turning back?
to all those sweetness in the past?

Extremities

How do you feel about your extremities? Do not those say something?

What do you think? Aren't they existing because of other extremities are there to compare with?
I don't know. Maybe you know better.

Thanks for reminding...

I live with pain
that is like a wound
if you touch me,
you will do me irreparable harm

I have forgotten your love
yet I seem to glimpse you
in every window

and yet no wound is bound to be
cause no touch is bound to be
not now, not yet

The good samaritan

you amaze me,
with your energy, your care
your sacrifice
that you give to others

you remind me of the samaritan

just give me a piece of you
to make me another good samaritan
get well soon!